13 Things He Wants to Know Before Committing
1. That you’ll agree to call us by our fake pet name, ‘Tiger’, in public. Not our real one, ‘HugBear’.
2. What exactly you carry in that enormously oversized bag. A mattress for emergency napping? SuBo? What’s in there?
3. That what happens on the sofa stays on the sofa: sex, passing out or crying at Lark Rise To Candleford. Especially that last one.
4. That your ex looks mildly jealous of us; not mildly pitiful or mildly amused.
5. That the time we got so drunk we wet the bed will go with you to the grave.
6. That you fantasy wedding doesn’t feature doves, kittens, bespoke Vera Wang or confetti hand-cut into your initials. You’re not Mariah Carey, and for that we are thankful.
7. Your level of obsession with Tinker the Terrier. Open-mouthed kisses are not acceptable with any creature but us.
8. If we ever have babies, you’ll let us use them to push into queues. As long as we promise not to use them as hot-waitress bait.
9. What it is you actually see in us. Save our encyclopedic knowledge of Klingon and superior ‘running man’.
10. If your family has a history of rickets, lumbago or hunchbacks that could hinder the chances of future sons playing for England.
11. That there is zero chance of us spotting you on Brits Behaving Badly in Faliraki, Worst Ever Special!
12. What the devil you’re on about when you say ‘Team Jacob’ or ‘Team Edward’.
13. That we’re the best lover you’ve ever had. Yes, you can lie.
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